Not only is the crazy NIGHT BLOOMING CEREUS throwing out 4 buds (a first…more on that later), my humble book is available on Amazon for ZERO DOLLARS thru July 31 (midnight Pacific time).
So stay tuned for NBC 2025, apparently a banner year. The next images will be more clear. And don’t hold your breath, it’s not entirely likely that all 4 buds will bloom. I’ve never had more than one.
Digital is FREE for 2 days. Also avail in PB, HC, and as an audio book. Film at eleven.
Free downloads at the Amazon. Click on the free $0.00 eBook at upper right. No need to own a Kindle. Sign up for my e-list at www.annaikens.com and win a Prize! And my undying LERV.
Have I listened to my own audiobook yet? No I haven’t. It’s hard.
Pretty please REVIEW if you’ve read a few pages. Not just Amazon stars, but words?
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For me, gift shopping has to do with the experience. I rarely buy gifts online. I much prefer holiday craft bazaars and going to magical shops like New Moon and Royal Towne Gifts in Randolph, Free Verse Farm Shop in Chelsea, Althea’s Attic Boutique in Montpelier, Yankee Bookshop in Woodstock, a dozen others. Go see the lights in Bethel one night! Lovely.
Books make great presents because they can be re-gifted to friends or donated to charities. I’m currently digging a book by local publisher, Inner Traditions in Rochester, “The Culinary Pharmacy: Intuitive Eating, Ancestral Healing, and your Personal Nutrition Plan.” For the health conscious, crunchy people, and self-improvers on your list, it’s ideal.
For those being tormented one way or another at work, school, or home, let them Snark in the New Year with “The Snark Handbook.” This will arm them with witty zingers. Hilarious. The GIFT of laffs – and verbal self-defense. Sample: “Gee what a terrific party. Later on we’ll get some fluid and embalm each other.” – Neil Simon.
Instead of gift cards to big box stores, try gift certificates at local stores. Even auto parts stores sell them! Your beloveds may want art or art supplies or a haircut or movie tickets or dining … almost any place you can think of sells gift certificates, at the amount you want. It keeps your local economy going and your gifting off the internet, which has sadly destroyed independent shops worldwide. I’ve had stores invent a gift certificate for me on the spot.
I particularly like gifting something to do. Show tickets, a season’s pass or gym membership, or a class such as ceramics, stained glass, or any of the many offerings at the White River Craft Center. Piano lessons, horseback riding, Reiki … any class at all. What about a blank book you give to a retired person, in which they can chronicle their life? Gifts of fun! And really, what’s more fun that reading your local newspaper? A subscription to the Herald … perfect.
If you’ve written a book or are thinking of it, or know someone who did and want to give them a monumental gift … might I suggest the audio book recording maven in Shelburne: Voice Over Vermont. She’s super relaxed, nice, and smart, with the coziest setup (or she can direct you from your home or local studio). Not only is she affordable compared to other, less-excellent companies, she is a fantastic director. Which I promise you need. It’s far harder to read out loud than you think.
And at the pinnacle, there’s the most precious gift, the gift you made yourself. Pen a song or poem or cartoon for someone. You can gift food, knits, cuttings from your favorite plants, bathtub gin, art, or anything else you’ve created. I’ve concocted uneven pot holders, crooked scarves, sketchy pillow cases, sorry-looking hats, childlike tree ornaments, lopsided ceramics — and exquisite deodorant. Each was well received. For the person who has everything, a calendar with meaningful photos is fantastic. You can now order them easily online (and in some pharmacies), but for years I made mine with actual photos glued carefully into a calendar sold for this purpose at the Pink Smock Shop at Dartmouth Hitchcock Hospital. When you come across these years later, they blow your bean, pleasantly. Tip: hospital gift shops can always use your money.
Broke? Gift a service you will provide with a homemade, redeemable coupon. Surely I read this in a women’s magazine in 1982. It can be a massage, errand, snow shoveling, planting in the spring, or, if you’ve completely lost your mind, oven cleaning. Maybe you could teach someone how to do something. Show them how to make a Manhattan? You can use a low-end whiskey like The Famous Grouse as long as you use top shelf cherries, like Luxardo Italian. Boom.
Honestly, I think the most enchanted part of winter in my childhood was quietly shoveling people’s driveways in the dark while they were still at work, so they’d come home to a nice surprise. Heavily influenced in youth by the “Brownie Scout Handbook,” wherein at some point elves called Brownies did tasks for people (cobbling shoes?) anonymously at night without asking for any thanks (a true mitsvah!), I felt my secret shoveling a kind of sacred mischief. I relished every pass with the shovel, every sweep of the steps. It used to snow more back then, the big white fluffy kind I call “Hollywood snow” falling gently on my eyelashes and cheeks as I did my good deed. I shoveled out a Danish widow who worked long hours at the United Nations. A woman who’d fallen and had her jaw wired shut to heal. An elderly couple. A woman who championed, way ahead of her time, the rights of – and employment opportunities for – her intellectually disabled daughter and others like her. For these kindhearted and hardworking neighbors, it was the least I could do. I hope that today kids get off screens long enough to experience the unspeakable joy that comes from doing a good deed. And knowing their neighbors.
Funny, I’d forgotten entirely about all that. Also this: a decade ago I was panicking on my way back to Vermont on Amtrak. A massive storm had struck the east coast and I had to roll my luggage from the Randolph train station to my house in snow that the plows could not keep up with, a good quarter mile. The train had arrived late. It was dark and the snow was really coming down. I dreaded the final lap of wading through two feet of accumulated driveway snow with my suitcase in my arms like a giant baby … until, sweating, I approached my dimly lit home, stopped to catch my breath, and looked up. What had happened here? What was going on? Why, someone had snow-blown my driveway! I was exclaiming out loud, crying with thankfulness at this great kindness. I don’t generally believe at all that what goes around comes around, but in this case it did.
Well, Dear Reader and your Humble Columnist better get a move on. As you approach the clubhouse turn of holiday shopping, I do hope this has been of some use, or at the least entertaining. Because sometimes in the midst of all the holiday prep and partying, it’s best to don your gay apparel and just … sit down and read the paper. Good prep, good holidays, and good new year to all.
Ann Aikens is an author, columnist, speaker, and blogger. Her darkly comical book of advice, A Young Woman’s Guide to Life: A Cautionary Tale, was published in 2023, her Upper Valley Girl column since 1996. Find events and bookshops at annaikens.com; her blog is uppervalleygirl.com.
Free downloads at the Amazon start tonight at midnight. Use the free $0.00 eBook at upper right, not the Kindle download. Sign up for my e-list at www.annaikens.com and win a Prize! And my undying LERV. PS Don’t think that I think I look good here! Authors often don’t. We’re not a fancy lot. We’re more concerned with thots than our hair?
I had the honor of speaking to high school seniors in Lebanon, NH at the annual Senior Girls Tea, hosted with excellence by the Lebanon Woman’s Group at a cool historic home. The girls got quite dressed up, some in sneakers. Gen Z is practical. Great article on them in the Stanford News. I post my very abbreviated talk here. It is true that, “While we teach, we learn,” per Roman philosopher Seneca. I myself am reminded of the important things whenever I suggest them to the YPs (young people). As well might be Dear Reader?
Good day, Seniors. Today is 42424. Seems meaningful.
I wrote a book of darkly funny – but true! – advice for young women, which I called a “Cautionary Tale” because I wanted to advise the YPs what NOT to do. It’s truly horrifying some of the things I did. I figured a book could save the YPs years of bad feelings and wasted time. But today I mostly address what TO do.
I didn’t do things wrongly because I was stupid. I wasn’t. But because nobody warned us. Adults didn’t know how to, because the world was changing fast. Plus, our parents were different from yours. As were theirs before them. As will be you … whether you become parents or, like me, an aunt. A sacred role, that!
Gen Z is 70 million strong in the US alone. Think of your POWER. Power to the people, right on. That’s John Lennon. I’ll give you ideas today to mull over – four major points.
I say all the time: people are herd animals. You know that dogs and horses are terrified of being cut off from the herd, as it could mean certain death. Same for humans. Scientists say that people who live in groups are happiest. I believe it. I’m all for dormitories and group housing — with decent bathrooms.
So if you’re feeling lonely, get the heck off social media (“anti-social media”). Get with humans. Join a music or theater group, chess club, community garden, bowling league, anything. I joined a chorus in January that saved me psychologically. It sure beat crying at home in my PJs watching Hallmark movies, eating a bag of Funyons.
A Vermonter once told me, “Do the things you like to do and you will meet people who like to do the things you like to do.” Yes! I made new friends in chorus. At my advanced age!
Important: if you see someone else seemingly cut off from the herd, very shy or self-isolating, invite them in. Say, “Hey, would you have lunch with my group? Or take a walk with me? If today’s not good, ask me any time.” You could change someone’s entire life. Guess what: They could change yours.
Today, anxiety and depression are going through the roof. I’m no stranger to either. Dwelling in bad moods will sicken you. So: get happy if it kills you. Also, your moods are contagious. If you’re in a foul mood, you’re likely passing it on. Boost yourself by saying something nice to a stranger or two, and they just might pay it forward. You and they will feel better.
Luckily, I’ve never been a procrastinator. I see procrastinator friends torturing themselves. My secret has been this: Just get started. When you receive a school or work assignment, stop somewhere before your next obligation. Sketch an outline. Title it? Draw it. Sing it. Why start now?
1. It’s way, WAY easier to pick up where you left off than to start something you’ve been putting off for weeks. You just … glide back into it.
2. It’ll turn out 100 times better than if you had started it last-minute. You’ve had time for it to marinate, and for the Forces, as I call them, to deliver ideas unto you. It’s a little mystical how that happens. I believe in serendipity and synchronicity and information being imparted to us from the ether.
Other Idea: Make a list of the high points in your life. Our pasts weren’t all cupcakes and rainbows; this list makes you feel good about the past.
Feeling good is important. Endeavors tend not to turn out well if you don’t feel good while doing them. It’s some energetic law of the universe. As for fun, do feel-good things besides drugs, booze, overeating, etc., which I highly un-recommend because addictions are super addicting and hard as holy hell to break. Addictions mess with your entire being, and exact a price. Feel good in other ways. Exercise. Stretch. Meditate. Get in water. Write a nice letter. Make music or art. Read. Do a good deed! Watch a funny movie. With other humans. Feel good!
As you move onto your next phase, whether a job, college, trade school, the military, gap year, Peace Corps, internship … think about building your life resume. That’s what I call experiences that wouldn’t go on a career resume. Plan adventure. Trips need not be expensive. Take classes that appeal, maybe free. Public libraries are increasingly fantastic resources of things to learn and do and borrow (Snow shoes! Park passes!). Volunteer? Your life resume is every bit as important as your career resume.
Opportunities could arise that you’ve never dreamed of. Don’t fear an opportunity that seems daunting, like, “I don’t know if I could do all that.” Because as Madeleine Albright put it (former Secretary of State under Bill Clinton, and ambassador to the UN — all this after her husband left her): “An exciting position replenishes the energy it consumes.”
Life could take you somewhere magical if you allow it. You could do, be, have, give more that you ever thought possible. You could: solve a problem facing people, creatures, or Mother Earth; invent or cure something; make art that touches people; write a book (!); or just … spread joy. You don’t have to be a big deal. Or a billionaire.
In closing, everything humankind has ever accomplished started as a thought. Thoughts have power. So I leave you with an assignment. As you drift off to sleep tonight, think about what could happen. Think about what you could be, what you might create. Thoughts have power. They do. So: Ponder what you’re good at. What you’d like to do. Send loving thoughts to your friends and frenemies. Consider what changes you could make in your behavior or thinking. Envision good deeds. A kind act is love in action! Some of my kind acts I don’t even remember. But I bet the recipients do, as I recall every kindness ever done unto me.
I’ll be thinking about you. Report in as able? Contact me any time. I’ll write you back. Thank you, and good day!
Ann Aikens’ book of advice, A Young Woman’s Guide to Life: A Cautionary Tale, is at Amazon, Barnes & Noble & Vermont shops. She has written her Upper Valley Girl column since 1996. Find shops & events at annaikens.com.
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It is harder than ever in publishing, as it is in music, to get The Industry behind you. Finding a publisher with a promotional machine ain’t what it used to be, unless yours is a real niche book or you have 1M followers on Instagram. So you may think: DIY. Why ever not?
I’ll give you the facts. My background: I educated myself at a Writer’s Digest Conference, I lived the entire process, and promise not to candy-coat it here for Dear Reader.
Self Publishing Is A Retiree’s Game – Unless You Have Wads of Cash
Two reasons: time and money. There is so much to learn, so much to do, to get your book published and into readers’ hands, that it will eat all of your time, or you’ll pay someone else to do it (or have free, techy grandkids). Even if you do a ton of work yourself, it will cost you plenty. You’ll need an editor, proofreader, cover designer, website, blog, business email address, email services provider (e.g., MailChimp), time and money to drive to bookstores and libraries for sales and readings. You’ll build an email list. And 27 other things. But first, you write.
Writing Can Be Isolating
When I wrote my book, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wrote and edited before and after work, all weekend, and at 3 am. It was easy! As they say, you have your whole life to write your first book. I’d penned reams of notes. But: I saw no one, I did nothing. I was a rock, I was an island (nod to S&G). Really, I don’t mind being alone, to a degree. But I was forever scrambling to meet deadlines, alone. Which brings us to publishing and promoting.
The Publishing Part
Writing is just the beginning. You can publish a slim volume at your local printer. Printing a larger book this way is prohibitively expensive for most. The cheapest way is to do Print On Demand (POD) via giants Amazon and/or Ingram Spark (the latter libraries and bookstores use to order books). But hey, Amazon sells 85% of all books. Your book is in an Amazonian virtual bookstore! This is all beyond complicated. Which leads us to help me.
Get A Publishing Service Company
An entire industry sprang from the heinous process of getting your book uploaded to Amazon and Ingram properly, and promoting your book without getting fleeced, so you don’t put your head through a wall in frustration. Few people have time to learn to do this on their own. Publishing services companies can be terrific or horrid. They cost $8-12,000 dollars. On to the selling.
Getting Your Book Out There
Distribution and Marketing and are massive topics. I gave a one-hour summit talk on it, speaking New York-fast, with zero time for Q&A. For sure, you’ll want to sell on Amazon, although some independent bookstores will thereby refuse to carry you. They detest the Amazon, understandably. Marketing your book requires learning several forms of social media, which keep changing, and a whole lot more. Even with a publisher, these days you need to promote.
Oh, and If you hate doing your taxes, wait till you write a book.
But If You’re Willing, It Will Change Your Life
When you get your first printed copy, you’ll cry.
You’ll learn Social, or more than you already know.
You’ll meet independent bookstore owners, librarians and book lovers, who rock.
People including yourself will think of you as an author, because you are.
Complete strangers will read and praise your humble tome.
Your book could get re-Tweeted (re-X’d?) by a celebrity and your ship comes in.
Do I have another book in me? Only if I have a publisher or magically become retired or rich. Other writers persist and publish entire sets, and do well! These are typically genre writers (bodice-rippers, fantasy, sci-fi) and they love their lives. So there’s that. Bon aventure.
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Again, free downloads all week at the Amazon. Use the free $0.00 eBook at upper right, not the Kindle download. Sign up for my e-list at www.annaikens.com and win a Prize! And my undying LERV.
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