Category Archives: humor

The NBC NBs

Here we go. The Night Blooming Cereus night blooms once again! It reminds me of women giving birth in the back of a taxicab.

Ah, the guts are becoming visible.

It’s like the undersea world of Jacques Cousteau in there. Or another planet. Or a concert with the diva star out front.

Can’t photograph the smell.

(Photo courtesy of Chris.)

Nitey nite!

Thanks for the show, NBC, after your harrowing 80-mile ride.

You’re a tuffie. We LERV you.

NBC Mission: Impossible

The NBC did NOT bloom last night as I badly needed it to before I skipped town. Unable to leave her to bloom unobserved, I enlisted a kindly neighbor to get her in the car, knowing full well how unlikely the bud would hang onto the plant during my drive east. What with my crap suspension system and Vermont roads and all. She is buoyed by an old printer, a pillow, a beater bathing suit, and a back rest.

We stopped at my favorite gas station in the world, Irving (Hello!). I added an ugly brown fleece to the support system.

There is no way I am the only nutter in the history of the world to take a blooming cereus on the road rather than let it bloom alone. Hopefully another nutter will report in.

Praying this one makes it to New Hampshire, but if it doesn’t, hell, we tried.

I have never named the plant. On the drive it came to me: Luna.

We made it to New Hampshire. Thank you, Forces!

My hosts and I took a celebratory pond dip. Heavenly.

See the fraying tip?

IT’S HAPPENING.

It’s uncertain, though, because the stem is too bent where it comes out of the leaf, due to sag during the drive. I’m afraid to adjust it. We’ll report in as able, Luna and I.

Fingers crossed!

NBC Readies For Launch

Couple days ago.

I was told that when she starts to turn pinkish, the big moment is coming. She’s been pink for days, but I know two things. The bud has to be FATTER, and the very ends of the bloom begin to FRAY right before it’s time for BLAST OFF.

Not there yet.

Last night. The stem, if you will grows directly out of the leaf somehow (you can see this, like, feeder vein in the leaf). It starts to bend upwards.

The stem also gets PHAT. To send all those nutrients, fluids, energy, and LERV to the bud for Show Time, one night a year.

This morning.

This is the first year I noticed how much the stem bends into a J shape, just like the Monarch caterpillar before it spins its chrysalis.

Sacred geometry? Sacred Spelling? Who know, who cares…something’s coming, something good. Maybe tonight, maybe tonight….maybe toniiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!

Meanwhile, Back at the Monarchs

There has been a series of hatchling batches over the last few weeks, so they’re different ages. I missed my shot with this big fatty elder-pillar who was perfect to bring indoors in a container to do its chrysalis thing.

But I was going out of town and didn’t want to drag the poor thing along. I only hope it wasn’t eaten by a bird.

The milkweed plant serves several purposes. A place to hang your hat, a buffet to be ravaged, and…

And a latrine.

I’m not sure where they sleep, but they climb down the milkweed well before dusk. Surely napping not far from their beloved milkweed plant that provides All. A home you can eat!

Hoping to show you a chrysalis from one of the now-toddlers one day soon.

The Annual NBC Nail Biter Continues

As the bud got heavier, the angle of the dangle went from up to down. You should know that sometimes the bud falls off–OOF.

So it’s looking a little precarious. I’ll need to support it. Wheels are turning.

To heighten the tension, due to circumstances beyond my control I may not be here when she blows and miss the Grand Finale. We cannot have this.

GROW BABY GROW! You’re on the clock.

I remain hopeful.

Update on the Night Blooming Cereus

Daily, the bud elongates and gets fatter and fatter. When I return from work, it has grown! Stretching and swelling and becoming more defined, it seeks to grow and bloom just as we crazy humans do.

This is a couple mornings ago.

And this was yesterday morn. Boom!

More on her precarious positioning later. Every year it’s dicey, and for a different reason. Not sure how to solve this year’s dilemma, or if I’ll even try.

Sometimes we just let nature run its course, no?

Thar She Blows – Night Blooming Cereus 2022

Night Blooming Cereus: ugly duckling, protector…then entertainer for one night a year.

Protector? There were some sketchy things going on in my neighborhood. My NBC shot up a new leaf, the tallest it ever has, which bent towards the window.

She looked like a cobra (see shadow). I snickered and thanked her every time I saw her ~ for menacing evildoers out in the ‘hood.

Yesterday, her first bud appeared. August is her month, normally, so I’ve been looking.

It never gets old!

Looks like the bud is giving us the thumbs up, no?

The bud grows hourly. Stay tuned!

Monarch Babies Coming to a Drought Near You

The corn is as high as an elephant’s…ankle…and so is the monarch butterfly’s food source, the milkweed plant. Bad drought. We’ll see how many plants are left for the monarchs to hang their cocoons from once they’re done chowing, as the milkweed is now short, with very few leaves.

Up close these guys are cute, about 1/4″ long, but friend Meg said years ago how she always hated Chicken & Stars soup because there were “too many of them” (stars). This could be too many baby caterpillars for you. I understand.

Those Three Little Words

tempImage9gL1KMThis time of year, the romantic love promo machine kicks into high gear. People without a partner, or a partner that seems not to care, feel Less Than. It’s enough to make you irritable.

But then everyone is irritable lately, so you’ll blend right in. Even Siri is cranky. “Ready to send it?” she asked this week. I did not respond quickly. READY TO SEND IT?? she repeated. I said never you mind, Missy, I’ll send it myself.

The reality is you don’t need romantic love to be happy. You can love all manner of things. Your home. The arts. A creature. Night. Friend Denise said that in 2022 she wants to do more things that bring her joy. Smart. Maybe you love a sport or hobby. Doing good deeds. Cooking. Napping.

Me, I love bargains. Like discounted grocery items (expired oatmeal: the other ancient grain), and buying used medical supplies on eBay. Also watching the Olympics, much as the winter sport crashes terrify. Resting. Learning an instrument or language. Sending unexpected gifts. And reading those three little words that form the perfect sentence. More on that later.

Angels among us 

In December I searched online for Flash Mobs because my niece had suggested we do one at a Catholic christening we were to attend. I gazed at Youtube, entranced by mall shoppers suddenly ripping into Ode To Joy. As one will, I got sucked into other Youtube recordings, and came across Angels Among Us by Alabama. Despite the corny 80s filming and styling (sunglasses indoors) and overt whiteness, I dug the song; the images of simple people who had done great deeds (including two children) had me bawling. I dare you.

Never trust a snow bank

In a recent storm, I drove through a slender snowbank in a parking lot, which sadly concealed a curb I had never seen before. In nautical terms, I ran aground. After frantic calls to the manly men I know, no one could help beyond some best-guess suggestions, including Trusty Editor who was, I think, impressed with my trick driving. I sped on foot to NAPA for pro advice, where two manly men were eating pizza in a large pickup, the kind of rig that means business. You could tell they were the sort of men that know…everything. I explained my car was on a curb. Expressionless, they set aside their pizza and followed me.

At the scene, one instructed, “You’ll throw it in reverse and we’ll lift it.” (You’ll LIFT it? A car?) Sure enough, after briefly analyzing angles, they lifted it exactly right, off the curb. I gushed, “I wish I could embrace you without COVID!” One replied, almost amused, “There are nice people out there.” With no ado they returned to their truck and pizza pie, which I’d have paid for if I’d had any cash. While they looked like the type of men that don’t accept much in the way of thanks for a good deed, I nonetheless should have offered. Gentlemen, if you see this, I owe you a pizza. Good people indeed. Angels among us.

So, Dear Reader, stop being cranky, shop local for your Valentine, whoever or whatever that is, and do things that bring you joy. Lie down outside and look at the stars. Help or be helped by a stranger. Build a snow fort. And, oh, the perfect three little words?  Reduced To Clear. Bring on the bargains. Good day.

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First Thing When You Move In: Hang Art

When I move, the first thing I do is hang a piece of art. It says, “This is my new place. Don’t you like it?”

Hang it low, hang it high, break the rules.

If you look at the images below they will make you feel good.

Natalya Khorover is a genius fibre artist. She has made for me some real gems over the years.

Last Christmas, she gifted only art — made by her or others. The bee fabric she bought from a creative alchemist who designs her own fabric.

The pillow was a housewarming gift.

I love these so much I cannot use them, only gaze at them.

Natalya’s home portraits are my fave. Each so different and magical, made with ephemera provided by the buyer who commissions the piece. She also makes exquisite things from single-use plastic…

…and repurposed dryer sheets.

NYC, 2013. Upper East Side.

Once my beloved friend that I call The King went with me to Maine. We had cocktails.

The edging is especially cool. I wish you could touch it. Look closely at all sorts of stitching on the fabrics. Natalya is meticulous.

If you’re lucky, you get to hang an installation with her, maybe outdoors in a public space. Final installation here, along with a super cool hothouse full of flowers made from plastic bags, by her and anyone who wanted to make one, for some communal Art Love.

Can’t stop gazing at my satchel. I left the tag on for a year.

City Sketch #1. From the intro to this post. Holds up to bathroom humidity, as predicted.

I hope you enjoyed this ART. I do.