Tag Archives: love

Let’s Figure This One Out Together

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In the Bleak Midwinter

Oftentimes, this column starts as a handful of tips I’ve gleaned over a month, via reading and conversations. I cobble a column together for Dear Reader around those tips, tying them together with an emerging theme. The theme becomes the title. It’s not an intellectual process; it just unfolds. Let us see, together, where this one goes, shall we? I’m curious myself.

This December, for many, was a month of x-treme holiday busy-ness (performances, volunteering, religious services, gift-getting and making, and decorating—which always unearths some cry-worthy old family ornament or photo or child’s art). Many felt the holiday prep time too compressed this year, a full weekend shorter than usual. I think this is why people kept saying, “It doesn’t feel like Christmas.” Or maybe that’s just the age of the crowd I run with. 

With all the socializing, there was much discussion of the Current State of Things, at home and abroad. There was some hopefulness, a lot of apprehension, and less faith in governing bodies and corporations (and people) than I’ve ever heard in my lifetime. Maybe that blasted pandemic rocketed us into not just a new direction, but a new dimension entirely. In 10 years it’ll all make more sense. Like when a presidency or marriage is later re-evaluated in the longer scheme of history. Too soon to tell.

For now: some tips. Then let’s see if we can extract the columnular Theme, which so far remains unclear.

Hang Out with Others if it Kills You
You may have over-mingled last month. But while allowing less time for solitude and wintry deep thots, spending time with the right people is a sane-making distraction at the least, and a whale of a good time at the most. Get in the habit of getting together, no matter the temperature, before that nasty Cabin Fever kicks in.

Jar of Thanks
There is a free magazine available in churches (stay with me here). “The Upper Room,” written by ordinary folks worldwide, has a daily Bible quote with an uplifting personal story from the “ordinary” author. The one for New Year’s Eve was by an American who writes on a slip of paper every day something he’s thankful for, and puts it in a jar. On New Year’s Day, he empties the jar and reads them all. I started mine, in a funky vase that catches the light. Dear Reader can start one late, who cares? It’s proves a lovely way to end the day. I bet it’ll make New Year’s Day a real bawlfest. “Oh, remember that? How dear! Boo hoo hoo.” Can’t wait.

Make Goals, Not Resolutions
Attainable goals. Not, “I’ll go to the gym every day for 5 years.” (Or: making a list of your accomplishments in the prior year can be more fun.) My main goal, if I may reveal: to feel cheery in the face of all manner of reasons not to be. Despite terrible things happening, it does no one any good to feel hopeless or lousy. Acknowledge the event, do something about it if you can, then shift gears. Wish me luck, I’m not good at this. Others are. I’m open to advice.

Lie to Yourself
…in the mirror and say, “Damn, I look better already!” Maybe you do.

Spread Reasons to be Cheerful 
The New York Times, which keeps stats separate from the FBI, calculated in 2024 an actually far lower rate of murder than in recent years, along with other violent crimes. It’s not often you see “violent crimes” or “murder rate” in a piece meant to be uplifting, but there you have it. Now go look at NASA’s Image of the Day. Exquisite or weird, each is mindblowing and broadens your perspective.

Share Helpful Tips
Here’s how to glue different materials together, suggested by a techie whiz kid I know.

How to fix your own devices: Nearly every appliance and electronics device, large or small, bears a plate or panel with the model# and serial#. Take a photo of it. Then go to www.partselect.com, where you can search by brand, model/part, or symptom.

Good Deeds
… are as strong a medicine as laughter. Focusing on others, not yourself, and ameliorating someone else’s situation, well, what’s better than that? It’s even in The Wizard of Oz: “Back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phila… er, phila… er, yes, er, Good Deed Doers.”  They must be very happy people, Mr. Wizard!

Have and Cause Laffs
Years ago, a colleague’s son visited his grandmother at Christmas time and saw her miniature nativity scene. Upon returning home he remarked, “Grandma’s Jesus dollhouse is really cool.” 

A friend who’s half Jewish/half Catholic celebrates both holidays. When her kids were young, the rabbi from Chabad House arrived unexpectedly. They couldn’t not invite him in, so they all maneuvered him to keep him from seeing their Christmas tree. “Check out our new painting!” or, “Oh look, a bird!” Still cracks me up.

I highly recommend hanging around people who have contagious laughs (Anderson Cooper?), and listening to the recent “Fiasco!” episode of the This American Life (now on podcast). These true stories of fiascos are hilarious. I was laughing so hard I almost drove off the road.  People who drove past me then also snickered. It made me feel we were all in this together, which we of course are.

So, what does Dear Reader think these ingredients create thematically? The pieces seem to be this: help others, and spread good cheer, hot tips, and big laffs. Which we will definitely need in 2025, which promises to be a weird one. How we start the New Year is important; start early on establishing new habits this year. (I began my year with a snowy walk and a nap. Not bad!) Adversity has been and will always be there, as will wrenching stories of ills befalling others.  Our good spirits and good deeds are the best antidote. We are indeed all in this together.  

I have absolutely no idea how this can coalesce into a succinct columnular title. Wait:  I think it’s the one I already wrote; just make it about the year ahead instead of about this humble column.

Tell me about your first good deed of 2025. How was it, exciting? I’m certain it was. Good year, Dear Reader, good good-deed doing, and good day.

Ann Aikens is an author, columnist, speaker, and blogger. Her darkly comical book of advice, A Young Woman’s Guide to Life: A Cautionary Tale, was published in 2023, her Upper Valley Girl column since 1996. Find contact info and bookshops at annaikens.com; her blog is uppervalleygirl.com.

Helpful (?) Talk at a High School “Senior Girls Tea”

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I had the honor of speaking to high school seniors in Lebanon, NH at the annual Senior Girls Tea, hosted with excellence by the Lebanon Woman’s Group at a cool historic home. The girls got quite dressed up, some in sneakers. Gen Z is practical. Great article on them in the Stanford News. I post my very abbreviated talk here. It is true that, “While we teach, we learn,” per Roman philosopher Seneca. I myself am reminded of the important things whenever I suggest them to the YPs (young people). As well might be Dear Reader? 

Good day, Seniors. Today is 42424. Seems meaningful. 

I wrote a book of darkly funny – but true! – advice for young women, which I called a “Cautionary Tale” because I wanted to advise the YPs what NOT to do. It’s truly horrifying some of the things I did. I figured a book could save the YPs years of bad feelings and wasted time. But today I mostly address what TO do. 

I didn’t do things wrongly because I was stupid. I wasn’t. But because nobody warned us. Adults didn’t know how to, because the world was changing fast. Plus, our parents were different from yours. As were theirs before them. As will be you … whether you become parents or, like me, an aunt. A sacred role, that!

Gen Z is 70 million strong in the US alone. Think of your POWER. Power to the people, right on. That’s John Lennon. I’ll give you ideas today to mull over – four major points.

  1. Herd Animals

I say all the time: people are herd animals. You know that dogs and horses are terrified of being cut off from the herd, as it could mean certain death. Same for humans. Scientists say that people who live in groups are happiest. I believe it. I’m all for dormitories and group housing — with decent bathrooms.

So if you’re feeling lonely, get the heck off social media (“anti-social media”). Get with humans. Join a music or theater group, chess club, community garden, bowling league, anything. I joined a chorus in January that saved me psychologically. It sure beat crying at home in my PJs watching Hallmark movies, eating a bag of Funyons. 

A Vermonter once told me, “Do the things you like to do and you will meet people who like to do the things you like to do.” Yes! I made new friends in chorus. At my advanced age!

Important: if you see someone else seemingly cut off from the herd, very shy or self-isolating, invite them in. Say, “Hey, would you have lunch with my group? Or take a walk with me? If today’s not good, ask me any time.” You could change someone’s entire life. Guess what: They could change yours.

  • Feel Good!

Today, anxiety and depression are going through the roof. I’m no stranger to either. Dwelling in bad moods will sicken you. So: get happy if it kills you.  Also, your moods are contagious. If you’re in a foul mood, you’re likely passing it on. Boost yourself by saying something nice to a stranger or two, and they just might pay it forward. You and they will feel better.

Luckily, I’ve never been a procrastinator. I see procrastinator friends torturing themselves. My secret has been this: Just get started. When you receive a school or work assignment, stop somewhere before your next obligation. Sketch an outline. Title it? Draw it. Sing it.  Why start now?

1. It’s way, WAY easier to pick up where you left off than to start something you’ve been putting off for weeks. You just … glide back into it. 
2. It’ll turn out 100 times better than if you had started it last-minute. You’ve had time for it to marinate, and for the Forces, as I call them, to deliver ideas unto you. It’s a little mystical how that happens. I believe in serendipity and synchronicity and information being imparted to us from the ether. 

Other Idea: Make a list of the high points in your life.  Our pasts weren’t all cupcakes and rainbows; this list makes you feel good about the past.

Feeling good is important. Endeavors tend not to turn out well if you don’t feel good while doing them. It’s some energetic law of the universe. As for fun, do feel-good things besides drugs, booze, overeating, etc., which I highly un-recommend because addictions are super addicting and hard as holy hell to break. Addictions mess with your entire being, and exact a price. Feel good in other ways. Exercise. Stretch. Meditate. Get in water. Write a nice letter. Make music or art. Read. Do a good deed! Watch a funny movie. With other humans. Feel good!

  • Life Resume

As you move onto your next phase, whether a job, college, trade school, the military, gap year, Peace Corps, internship … think about building your life resume. That’s what I call experiences that wouldn’t go on a career resume. Plan adventure. Trips need not be expensive. Take classes that appeal, maybe free. Public libraries are increasingly fantastic resources of things to learn and do and borrow (Snow shoes! Park passes!). Volunteer? Your life resume is every bit as important as your career resume. 

  • Keep the Window Open a Crack for the Unexpected.

Opportunities could arise that you’ve never dreamed of.  Don’t fear an opportunity that seems daunting, like, “I don’t know if I could do all that.” Because as Madeleine Albright put it (former Secretary of State under Bill Clinton, and ambassador to the UN — all this after her husband left her): “An exciting position replenishes the energy it consumes.” 

Life could take you somewhere magical if you allow it. You could do, be, have, give more that you ever thought possible. You could: solve a problem facing people, creatures, or Mother Earth; invent or cure something; make art that touches people; write a book (!); or just … spread joy. You don’t have to be a big deal. Or a billionaire. 

In closing, everything humankind has ever accomplished started as a thought. Thoughts have power.  So I leave you with an assignment. As you drift off to sleep tonight, think about what could happen. Think about what you could be, what you might create. Thoughts have power. They do. So:  Ponder what you’re good at. What you’d like to do. Send loving thoughts to your friends and frenemies. Consider what changes you could make in your behavior or thinking. Envision good deeds. A kind act is love in action! Some of my kind acts I don’t even remember. But I bet the recipients do, as I recall every kindness ever done unto me.

I’ll be thinking about you. Report in as able? Contact me any time. I’ll write you back. Thank you, and good day! 

Ann Aikens’ book of advice, A Young Woman’s Guide to Life: A Cautionary Tale, is at Amazon, Barnes & Noble & Vermont shops. She has written her Upper Valley Girl column since 1996. Find shops & events at annaikens.com.

Love is a Many Splendoured Thing

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auflagen…when you can find it…which is rare…and it can lead to other things. Like marriage, a baby carriage, and auflagen. Lots and lots of auflagen*. So be sure that’s what you want.

 

 

Maybe this is a safer way to play it:  sanitizer

 

 

*If you can guess what this is, you get a prize.