Tag Archives: mental-health

Creature Comforts and Deciding to be Happy

Green Up Day is for me, as it may be for Dear Reader, one of Vermont’s top 10 events. I examine every piece of detritus that I bag – and wear latex gloves. It is all brought to the dump by others at no cost to us collectors. We leave our findings road side in green garbage bags for them to transport.

The good people of the Land honk as they drive by. I know they’re not the same people that thought it a good idea to sully the Land – with cigarette butts, vape refuse, car parts, micro- and macro-plastics, undetermined rubber-plastics in shapes that make no sense at all, and things far too disgusting for print in a journal as lofty as the Herald, in the small stretch of mileage I clean up. I ponder items I can’t figure out (what is it?), and ignore my pants falling down as I bend over. Did I say lofty?

Making a place nicer is so uplifting. I can’t imagine why people enjoy making it grosser. With every roadside can of Truly, made by the Boston Beer Company, I wonder, “Truly? You truly thought it OK to toss this out your car window?” Who are these miscreants? These degenerates. These litter bugs.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the decades, it’s not to waste time getting steamed up over the behavior of inconsiderate juveniles, who are, let’s face it: often adults. Let us save our anger for more worthy causes.

Now I have known some preternaturally cheery people – children aside, who are hopefully joyful because they haven’t been battered by life yet (and yes, horribly, many have been, worldwide). But included in the chipper group have been, oddly, people who’ve actually had it the hardest in life. They don’t seem to be peeved or self-pitying much.

Thinking about them, during my recent bouts of anger and dismay, made me feel not exactly guilty. More like … inept. What is their secret? Were they just born that way?

The more people you know, the more triumphs you hear about, also the more sorrows. You hurt for others who are in pain. The older you get, the more sorrows you experience yourself, and the more you hear about. And much of this you can do absolutely nothing about. Aside from lending a hand, a shoulder, tears, a smile, some cash.

But at one point this winter, I’d had it with feeling lousy about 27 (however valid) things. I recalled feeling happy, mischievous, adventuresome (!) as a child. I got a little ticked off, frankly, that things had headed south, in the world and in me. And I figured, dang it, I can have both. I can be both. I can be a sad, angry person as circumstances dictate, and I can be a jolly nutter as able. I can stubbornly refuse to let people and events hammer me down into chronic misery. What good am I to the creatures of the Land if I’m always in the hole? I decided to make an effort at being more cheerful.

I rested during snow, then rain. Slept in. Made nests of pillows and blankets. Called friends and fam I haven’t spoken to in ages. Wrote funny cards. Paid brief, comical visits to acquaintances. Pondered happy thoughts more. Read the writings of spiritual scholars more. Regarded our gorgeous natural landscape with awe more. Drove to faraway friends.

Mainly, I did things that felt good, so that I’d feel good. I don’t mean drinking a handle of bourbon, but if I wished to lie in bed watching TV and napping and eating all day on occasion, I did. So many people lack these luxuries; I felt they should be relished.

Well, I’m here to tell Dear Reader it really has mostly worked. It has. The arrival of spring and summer didn’t hurt a bit, even though, as per usual, April Showers brought May showers brought June heat. But events that would normally have thrown me off my horse just sort of glided by into the past without much ado. There was plenty to marvel at–particularly as spring sprang–with its usual unexpected vigor.

Then the test came. It was yet another dreary, rain-soaked Saturday. There was a lot of drama going down, not of my own making. I’m not a fan of drama. I admit I spiraled downwards, hell bent for leather. Sometimes, people are simply disappointing. Even cruel.

Clearly, maintaining a state of happiness can be a bit of work! It is not normal to be perpetually giddy, without a bunch of ketamine and hallucinogens anyway.  And while I am here to experience all of life’s emotions, I now seek a higher percentage of joy.

I’m no saint. I eat at McDonald’s, now that they don’t use Styrofoam. When I became a pescatarian for Lent, that Filet o’ Fish sure came in handy – and mighty McTasty, by Jesus – 100 times better than I remembered. 

And I say stupid things sometimes. I’m far less adult than I should be at my age. . I don’t know a lot. But I do endeavor these days to be kinder to myself and others, and to be a better human, on a weekly basis. Do good deeds. Be more loving. More smiling, regardless of that week’s degree of difficulty. Join causes that matter to me. Incite laughs. Compliment people out loud. Help strangers. Worry less. Ignore meanness, at least that directed solely at me. Is this a guaranteed formula for endless happiness? No, but I do recommend making the effort. There is a payoff, it seems. Try it, if you like? Report in as able. Good day.

Ann Aikens’ comical, uplifting book of advice, A Young Woman’s Guide to Life: A Cautionary Tale, is available online and in Vermont shops. It was recently released as an audiobook on Amazon.  She has written her Upper Valley Girl column since 1996. Find more of her writing at uppervalleygirl.com; information at annaikens.com.

Helpful (?) Talk at a High School “Senior Girls Tea”

I had the honor of speaking to high school seniors in Lebanon, NH at the annual Senior Girls Tea, hosted with excellence by the Lebanon Woman’s Group at a cool historic home. The girls got quite dressed up, some in sneakers. Gen Z is practical. Great article on them in the Stanford News. I post my very abbreviated talk here. It is true that, “While we teach, we learn,” per Roman philosopher Seneca. I myself am reminded of the important things whenever I suggest them to the YPs (young people). As well might be Dear Reader? 

Good day, Seniors. Today is 42424. Seems meaningful. 

I wrote a book of darkly funny – but true! – advice for young women, which I called a “Cautionary Tale” because I wanted to advise the YPs what NOT to do. It’s truly horrifying some of the things I did. I figured a book could save the YPs years of bad feelings and wasted time. But today I mostly address what TO do. 

I didn’t do things wrongly because I was stupid. I wasn’t. But because nobody warned us. Adults didn’t know how to, because the world was changing fast. Plus, our parents were different from yours. As were theirs before them. As will be you … whether you become parents or, like me, an aunt. A sacred role, that!

Gen Z is 70 million strong in the US alone. Think of your POWER. Power to the people, right on. That’s John Lennon. I’ll give you ideas today to mull over – four major points.

  1. Herd Animals

I say all the time: people are herd animals. You know that dogs and horses are terrified of being cut off from the herd, as it could mean certain death. Same for humans. Scientists say that people who live in groups are happiest. I believe it. I’m all for dormitories and group housing — with decent bathrooms.

So if you’re feeling lonely, get the heck off social media (“anti-social media”). Get with humans. Join a music or theater group, chess club, community garden, bowling league, anything. I joined a chorus in January that saved me psychologically. It sure beat crying at home in my PJs watching Hallmark movies, eating a bag of Funyons. 

A Vermonter once told me, “Do the things you like to do and you will meet people who like to do the things you like to do.” Yes! I made new friends in chorus. At my advanced age!

Important: if you see someone else seemingly cut off from the herd, very shy or self-isolating, invite them in. Say, “Hey, would you have lunch with my group? Or take a walk with me? If today’s not good, ask me any time.” You could change someone’s entire life. Guess what: They could change yours.

  • Feel Good!

Today, anxiety and depression are going through the roof. I’m no stranger to either. Dwelling in bad moods will sicken you. So: get happy if it kills you.  Also, your moods are contagious. If you’re in a foul mood, you’re likely passing it on. Boost yourself by saying something nice to a stranger or two, and they just might pay it forward. You and they will feel better.

Luckily, I’ve never been a procrastinator. I see procrastinator friends torturing themselves. My secret has been this: Just get started. When you receive a school or work assignment, stop somewhere before your next obligation. Sketch an outline. Title it? Draw it. Sing it.  Why start now?

1. It’s way, WAY easier to pick up where you left off than to start something you’ve been putting off for weeks. You just … glide back into it. 
2. It’ll turn out 100 times better than if you had started it last-minute. You’ve had time for it to marinate, and for the Forces, as I call them, to deliver ideas unto you. It’s a little mystical how that happens. I believe in serendipity and synchronicity and information being imparted to us from the ether. 

Other Idea: Make a list of the high points in your life.  Our pasts weren’t all cupcakes and rainbows; this list makes you feel good about the past.

Feeling good is important. Endeavors tend not to turn out well if you don’t feel good while doing them. It’s some energetic law of the universe. As for fun, do feel-good things besides drugs, booze, overeating, etc., which I highly un-recommend because addictions are super addicting and hard as holy hell to break. Addictions mess with your entire being, and exact a price. Feel good in other ways. Exercise. Stretch. Meditate. Get in water. Write a nice letter. Make music or art. Read. Do a good deed! Watch a funny movie. With other humans. Feel good!

  • Life Resume

As you move onto your next phase, whether a job, college, trade school, the military, gap year, Peace Corps, internship … think about building your life resume. That’s what I call experiences that wouldn’t go on a career resume. Plan adventure. Trips need not be expensive. Take classes that appeal, maybe free. Public libraries are increasingly fantastic resources of things to learn and do and borrow (Snow shoes! Park passes!). Volunteer? Your life resume is every bit as important as your career resume. 

  • Keep the Window Open a Crack for the Unexpected.

Opportunities could arise that you’ve never dreamed of.  Don’t fear an opportunity that seems daunting, like, “I don’t know if I could do all that.” Because as Madeleine Albright put it (former Secretary of State under Bill Clinton, and ambassador to the UN — all this after her husband left her): “An exciting position replenishes the energy it consumes.” 

Life could take you somewhere magical if you allow it. You could do, be, have, give more that you ever thought possible. You could: solve a problem facing people, creatures, or Mother Earth; invent or cure something; make art that touches people; write a book (!); or just … spread joy. You don’t have to be a big deal. Or a billionaire. 

In closing, everything humankind has ever accomplished started as a thought. Thoughts have power.  So I leave you with an assignment. As you drift off to sleep tonight, think about what could happen. Think about what you could be, what you might create. Thoughts have power. They do. So:  Ponder what you’re good at. What you’d like to do. Send loving thoughts to your friends and frenemies. Consider what changes you could make in your behavior or thinking. Envision good deeds. A kind act is love in action! Some of my kind acts I don’t even remember. But I bet the recipients do, as I recall every kindness ever done unto me.

I’ll be thinking about you. Report in as able? Contact me any time. I’ll write you back. Thank you, and good day! 

Ann Aikens’ book of advice, A Young Woman’s Guide to Life: A Cautionary Tale, is at Amazon, Barnes & Noble & Vermont shops. She has written her Upper Valley Girl column since 1996. Find shops & events at annaikens.com.