Monthly Archives: May 2012

It’s Not a Memorial Day Party without…

Ball of Floam®

McKenzie Franks

– Someone making a bad drink out of desperation (today, a Red Wine Spritzer)

– Mischievous children pulling a fast one on the adults (the kids were playing Floamball, in which the ball breaks apart upon impact with the bat, and an ungovernable free-for-all ensues. Between innings, the kids secretly  made “cookies” out of the Floam and placed them on the buffet until, yes, an adult tried one.  Her gastronomic report?  “Tastes like plastic.” In fairness, they looked delectable and the Floamball “diamond” was far enough away that we didn’t know what Floam* looks like up  close.)

“Cookies”

BYO rodent.

*a mixture of borax, glue, dyes, and polystyrene beads that resemble nonpareils sprinkles.

Remember, if it exists in the world, it exists in nail polish.

More Garbage

REAL KEY OF PLASTIC + METAL

So let’s forget about how every recipient of this mailing has definitely won something (a 2012 wallet calendar? A pickup truck?) Point is:  I’ve never been to this place,  I live nowhere near it, and that means a whole mess of people received by mail the glued-on, totally useless, piece-of-garbage key that will go straight to landfill.  Shame on you, Capitol City, for your eco-costly gimmick! The Footprint Warriors are on your tail.

Waste: The Final Frontier

THE ROCK PEOPLE WAS HERE

We had a foreign exchange student in high school who, for unknown reasons, exclaimed occasionally, “Baby garbage!”   He found this hilarious.  Something was clearly lost in translation, possibly involving what is known as the diminutive. The idea of a little baby garbage, or female or beloved garbage, must have been comical from his culture’s perspective.

A L’IL GREEN MTN. GIRL MADE THIS FAIRY HOUSE

In May, we in Vermont practice Green Up Day, when volunteers pick up garbage, baby and otherwise, from roadside, riverside, and public spaces.  I’d never done Green Up Day, so this Earth Day I got myself assigned to a remote stretch of dirt road.  Sometimes you can have an excellent time alone. I did, filling two bags with all manner of Vermonty refuse—shell casings, beer and wine bottles, 175 cig butts, condom, saw blade—presumably tossed from cars by the Party People. But I came across lovelier man-made items as well: a fairy house, Royal Larocque’s farm, a stack of rocks.  There are people who stack rocks, some sort of Skull and Bones-y secret order, I imagine. Perhaps you know their work. The Rock People.

Garbage has troubled me since the Mobro 4000 (a.k.a the Gar-barge) cruised around aimlessly and unwanted for seven months in 1987 with 3,000 tons of trash and no port from Brooklyn to Belize willing to take it.  It was darkly comic to readers of the tabloids, but it probably wasn’t funny at all to the poor slobs piloting the thing, who no doubt needed gas masks by week two. The Gar-barge People also happened to be Mob People. No surprise there.

Years later, I became similarly dismayed at a resort in Jamaica. No one seemed to know where the thousands of plastic cups the bartenders chucked daily were going. And this was just one of a dozen such resorts. The waste was ruining my good time. Why couldn’t they use real glasses? Why’d I have to beg bartenders to re-use my plastic cup? Not that I ever had a second drink.

ROYAL LAROCQUE’S FARM

When questioned by my nieces about worldly horrors, I am often at a loss for words. They once asked me why I got angry when they ran out of sight in a park. I stammered, “There are beings… who… steal… children!” making it sound like some crazy troll in a fairytale out to get them. The author of Garbology, interviewed on the radio recently, revealed terrible facts about garbage that I could never explain to my nieces. The information was too disturbing for a family newspaper. Let’s just say we have a major problem on our hands, particularly in the oceans.

So I’m at the dump, where we recycle for free. I ask the attendant exactly what kind of machine can separate paper, plastic, and metal. He said, “It doesn’t. This goes into a trash compactor.” Oh. We don’t have that magic zero-sort machine other towns have?  I ask him who wants our compacted garbage. China.” China?! What are they doing with it?! He answers by tugging on his shirt and letting it snap back while tilting his chin in the air.  “We’re wearin’ it.”

I’m not really opposed to wearing garbage, but what else are they doing it with it? What do they need it for, what with many garbage-producing citizens of their own? I’m sure Garbology holds the answers. I’ll read it to my newborn nephew. He’s the only one who can handle the truth. Because he won’t understand it. He’ll just squawk and coo.

When confronted with distressing realities we can do little about, we look to scientists. In the future, whole planets may

NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED HERE.

be used as garbage dumps. Surely scientists can come up with something better. Look at all the solutions they’ve already delivered! Problem is, in a fame-obsessed culture fanned by reality TV, the Young People don’t want to become scientists any more. I propose a reality show where the YP compete for a fat cash prize (and, yes, celebrity) to solve Earth’s problems. Friend Harry suggests “Footprint Warriors.

Do it up, Young People. We oldsters made a mess. It’s yours to fix. Maybe your hot young musicians can start  by singing songs about garbage. Then, as some oldsters would argue, and have for generations, they already do. Good luck…and good day.

Mother’s Day 2012

My favorite line in Mother is when Debbie Reynolds says, “I’m not gonna fall for that.” She’s talking about Baskin Robbins ice cream; she thinks “New Taste” ice cream is perfectly adequate. I know too few people who’ve seen this gem…here’s where vegetarian Albert Brooks moves home for The Experiment, and his mother goes about getting him something to eat. Won the New York Film Critics Circle Award and the National Society of Film Critics Award for Best Screenplay–rent it.

And here’s a comically awful 1980s tribute to mothers, courtesy of Mr. T.

No Fracking Way

We’re cracking down on fracking. When our bill converts to law, Vermont will be the first state to can hydraulic fracturing entirely. Let the other states proceed with that earth-quaking  idiocy; we’re out. And kudos to Gov. Shumlin for tryna not tax the Cloud to promote biz in VT. He was shot down.  This time.

Vermont’s been first in major issues, including the first state to outlaw slavery and the first (of only four) to ban billboards—and let’s not forget the first ski tow.  The first American private military college, Norwich University, was also the first to admit women and “minorities.” As for lasts, until 1996, ours was the only state without a Wal-Mart, and Montpelier (the smallest U.S. capital, btw) remains the only capital without a McDonald’s.

As my Dad used to say when we drove across the border in the Oldsmobile…

“Yea, ‘mont!”

Earth Day = “Green Up Day” in Vermont

ONLY LOSERS LITTER

This is a sacred day when hardy volunteers pick up trash from roadside, riverside, and whatever else man pollutes.  I was assigned to a remote dirt road where I collected in my bags a wide—and disgusting—array of items  (shell casings, beer and wine bottles, 175 cig butts, rusty saw blade….) But I came across lovelier man-made items as well: a stack of rocks, Royal LaRoque’s farm, and a fairy house, photos to be posted  in upcoming column on garbage.

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